Sky Scraper- Cool Hand Luke

There’s a man on the roof
Ignoring the fireworks
The city walks by unmoved
Their laughter looks like tears

On top of a skyscraper
With a foundation of fears
Hopes deferred and dreams (Proverbs 13:12)
He thinks can’t come true

The city keeps hurting him
He crawls to it for medicine
All the answers are here
He’s asking the wrong questions

On top of a skyscraper
With a foundation of fears
Empty works and dreams
He thinks can’t come true
For what can he do?
What has he to offer to You?

Your Majesty, he’s jumping
He’s jumping

He’s falling…
Into Your arms

For the first time.. In a long time. I prayed. I really prayed, not just thanking Him, not just praise. This time I told him just how much I need him. If i could use a metaphor to explain my situation it would be the song above this. I’ve been on the edge of a sky scraper for so long. I’ve been just about to jump into everything that could ruin me for a long time. And these last few weeks, I’ve jumped, and I hit rock bottom. I became what I never wanted to be, I always said that drinking was the dumbest thing anyone could do, I said taking drugs was stupi and selfish. But I turned into a hypocrite. And last night, I finally fell. And when i did, I didn’t crash and burn. I was caught, I fell into His arms. And I knew it. I got into bed sick and thought of ho dumb I had been. You see, I finally realized that what I had been doing before the other two things had gone to far. I was honestly scared for my helth and possibly my life. I’m not doctor,but I was scared i had acrually been hurt. But last night when i realized that I had hit rock bottom I thought, “I wish someone would just catch me, and pick me up, and save me from myself.”. I am a danger to myself, and i know it. And then, I remember everything I’ve heard at the Christian School that I go to, I remember all the bible studies I attended. And God saved me. I felt at peace. All the anger and guilt that I had, was gone.

And I can’t explain the happiness I have.

In an earlier post, I said that He wouldn’t let me go this time…
I was right.

=]

Do you ever just get overwhelmed? Whenever we sing this song. Whenever I hear it, it doesn’t matter if I had just won the lottery, I would cry. Like a baby. Wow.

Cinematic- Cool Hand Luke

The other night I had a dream
It unfolded to the silver screen
A tragic fire, some tears were shed
I woke to find our hero dead
And wonder, ”What if this was me?”

If my life was cinematic
With a soundtrack so dramatic
You’d be the hero and You would save me
And it would have the sweetest ending

I want to live in such a way
That when I’m gone my friends would say
That if my life was turned to film
I’d be standing on a mountain shouting victory in the end
But in my heart I know it’s only true
If I’m supporting actor and the Oscar goes to You

If my life was cinematic
With a soundtrack so dramatic
You’d be the hero and You would save me
And it would have the sweetest ending

I don’t want to let You down
I want to make you proud
If anyone is watching me
I want to make it count for something

What if it ended here?
What if the credits rolled now?
What would the critics say?
Would it be the biggest let down?

If my life was cinematic
With a soundtrack so dramatic
You’d be the hero and You would save me
And it would have the sweetest ending

Mother’s Day

So, I was on my way to Orlando to see my grandparents. Since it’s Mother’s Day and all, my dad got me up at 7 to go. I was half asleep when we got onto the parkway, and promptly woke up when i saw a 6 foot alligator laying on the road, it had just been hit by a car. I was so freaked out, but we kept driving, went to my grandparents, and eventually left. On our way back we stopped and I took pictures of it. So, there you go.

mmhmm.

Welllllll…

I’ve been crazy bored. Traffic School. UGH.

What on this earth is happening to me?

Today was so good, but… so confusing.

I got up this morning tired as crud and went to school mad. And for what reason? I really didn’t have one. I was just… mad. And when Christi kept being so dang retarded I just couldn’t control myself. I was about to get up and punch someone and ended up getting a warning and almost a detention. You see, Miranda was like Sam, why are you so mad? Well, let me take a minute to tell you about her.

The other day in P.E. I was in the bathroom and she was in the locker room and to the entire locker room of girls, she said that I was so annoying and that she hated me and would never like me. I was like excuse me? I’m right here, how about you get over yourself and shut up. That was yesterday and today..

After she said why are you so mad, Kyle said something to Olivia and she was like, Kyle jump off a cliff. Miranda jumped in to say that Kyle and I should jump off together. I told her to shut her fat mouth or I’d shut it for her. And I was sent out of the class. I just.. I was never the mean one in elementary.. I was the one who was walked on. I was the one who was beaten up. I remember switching out of my fourth grade because people were so mean.

What changed? Shouldn’t I still be that way? I just hate that people think they understand me. They think that they know what is happening in my life. And they don’t. And that’s when I take it upon myself to teach what they don’t know, with my words and even physically.. well sometimes. I got in a fight today.. but that’s not important.

Whatever.

Just to clarify.

I was being a “brat” on wednesday night, and no, I do not have an excuse. I said in “Monster”, that I am having trouble controlling my anger, and that’s all I can say. I can’t make any of you understand what it is but something pops loose in my head when anything happens and I got crazy. Whoever it is that is texting me, talking to me, near me is the brunt of my anger. That’s where I throw it and when they call me a brat or tell me I need an attitude adjustment, I go crazy.

Take 3rd period for example, Adam came up to me and was like I need to stop making friends and I was like try my philosophy, and before I could say what it was, he opened his big mouth and said, “Sam, your philosophy is to make people think you’re life is horrible-” I stopped him there, now, there was a teacher right there so I refrained from using some choice words. I told him that he knew nothing about me and to back off before I call him out. He was like, I do know you, I’ve known you forever, and in return I told him he didn’t know anything period and to suck it. He walked away and came back after five minutes and said he has calmed down and was ready to talk, I told him to back off because I wasn’t ready to explain myself to someone who can’t respect anyone but himself.

Later in the day he asked me if he could have a hug and I hit him.

I don’t know what’s happening to me.

Tomorrow before 5 though, will be good =]

Yeahhh

I don’t know what I want to post about so I decided to put a picture up of my favorite artist. Lil Wayne, I love me some Weezy Baby! Yeah, so I’m on the phone right about now with Robbie, and it’s been a pretty good day! I mean last night was pretty screwed up but I mean, why go a whole week without something? Today was CRAZY. I was CRAZY.
Yeahhhh.

Monster.

That’s what I’ve become. I can’t control my anger anymore and I’m hurting the people I care about, and even the people who I come in contact with. People keep telling me to let it go, to control it, to do this and that. The thing is, they never consider that maybe I can’t. Maybe it’s a little hard for me. And whatever, whether they understand or not doesn’t matter.
I keep asking myself, what’s wrong with me? And inside I know what it is. But when people remind of what it is, I get angry. Or when they say stuff like, “What’s your problem?”, “Get over it.”, “Stop being so mad.”, “Why can’t you just be happy.”, those things, that’s when I get mad at myself. It’s a cycle now. I get angry with people around me and without even thinking about what I’m doing I hurt them, emotionally and occassionally physically. After I’ve done that I realize what I’ve become and I have no choice but to ask myself what’s wrong with me. And when I figure what it is, I fix it, my way. Sure, some people would say the way I go about fixing myself is unhealthy, but I need it. To contain myself. I have to protect others, not myself, from me. I feel like the hulk, hahaha!

So anyways, another subject. God will not leave me alone. Forreal. I’m trying to be independent and learn to fully rely on myself, but of course, today’s bible lesson was on nothing else but the fact that we need other people. Mr. Stabler was talking about the church, how the meaning of a real church is to be involved in each other’s lives. He said that every person needs someone in their life to know what’s going on, to know what’s really going on. Not just the “I’m doing okay.” but the deep stuff. And that’s exactly what I don’t want to need. He used an analogy, that each person is a stone in a wall. We all rely on eachother to hold the other up and the foundation of the wall is God. I was thinking during youth group tonight about that. I feel like the stone at the very top, I lean on others, but when do they lean on me? I feel like I use people to let out my feeling and I need them, but they don’t need me, I’m just there, complaining. And that’s not what I want. What I want, is to fall of the wall. To be free from leaning on people, and if people do need me, they can tell me what’s up and I’ll help them. That’s where I want to be.

Another inscidence where God is appearing in my life.. Tonight at youth group Amanda shared her testimony. It was amazing what she went through before dedicating her life to God. She shared with us that she had looked for a place to belong all through middle school and high school, and she found it in drugs, and an unhealthy relationship. She was talking about the importance of letting go what you know is wrong, to not keep making the choice to repeat the sin. God was basically staring me down, waiting for me to give up what I’m doing. But I can’t..

And I just don’t get what’s happening to me. I just want to listen to my ipod, listen to Lil Wayne, listen to Birdman, listen to my music, make it through the day without hitting someone, and go to sleep. I don’t know what to do. And not even my best friend can help me, I’m lost.

Creatures-311

Read Creatures lyrics

My name is volatile
I’ve been this way a long while
I’d surely like to rest
But the energy gets the best of me
It’s been a wild ride
I wouldn’t change a minute
I can’t slow down inside
Guess that’s why I live it

The years of mischief
Followed by weeks of thrift
I land on earth’s hard face
No legs could keep that pace
And through the rest I sift

Is there ever a time
When the state of sleeping willingly leaves my mind

Highly frustrated wanna feel elated
Come monday morn you feel checkmated
You can be uncool and become the rule
Exceptions were made to drown

I’m not used to it, you’d think I’d be by now
The ins the outs the ups and the downs

I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures for a while
I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures, Just creatures
It comes and goes and comes and goes

Sometimes I go a little crazy
Sometimes I go a little crazy just like you I do

I know what you we’re gonna say
But were afraid to cause dismay
You’re lyrics switched around
The mixture watered down
And now a pointless display

It’s something one won’t understand
Unless there in it with me hand and hand

Don’t buy the fear don’t buy that my dear
The things you love you must keep near and
Carry on and you won’t feel withdrawn
Even if you’re coming down

Sometimes it’s wearable sometimes is bearable
I careen towards balance til’ the glass is full

I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures for a while
I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures, just creatures

It comes and goes and comes and goes
Sometimes
Sometimes I get a little out there
Sometimes I go off
Sometimes just like you

I go a little crazy
Sometimes I go a little crazy just like you I do
Sometimes I go a little crazy
Sometimes I go a little crazy just like you I do

Estoy Muy Cansada.

Yeah, I’m really tired. But I wanted to put one more post up before I go to sleep.
I’ve got some good friends, and I’m really thankful for them. Even if we fight, I’m glad they’re here. Because I can say honestly that I wouldn’t be here without them.
But at the same time, I’ve gone back to where I was last year. I don’t feel like trusting people anymore, because eventually they will get stressed out, and eventually you will hurt them, and so why not just make everything easier and just crack jokes? Everyone says, “You can’t make it on your own”, but if I tried hard enough, could I?
And another thing about that statement, I’m not doing it necessarily “alone”, I don’t have people to back me up, but I’ve got habits to back me up. And you can’t hurt or stress those out. It’s just, I can’t stand being the person who is hurting someone else. I can’t stand being the person who burdens other people.
Another thing that’s been bothering me: My best friend is pretty much best friends with the one person I think I literally hate. And it’s not just the fact that I wasn’t hired back, it’s the other things he did. It’s the fact that he sent me home early, he called my parents, he made me talk to a woman I had never met. I just can’t stand him. But I’ve got to keep that to myself now, because she’s friends with him, and if me bashing him makes her upset, then I’ll keep it to myself. I can handle myself. That what the whole gist of this post is. I’ve got a few anger issues but I’ll get them in control my way soon enough.
I think I’ll go to sleep though, I’ve been working on a project all day, and it’s time to stop writing for the night.
GERD NYGHT!